


That's What Love Is....

by Lapal



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 21:41:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20955347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lapal/pseuds/Lapal
Summary: This is a more detailed take on what I believe could, (or should) have happened after the wedding reception from Episode 50, The Right Sort of Animal. There's a lot of soul searching for them both, and Bernie, for once, puts her foot down with a firm hand. She also manages to find her voice.





	That's What Love Is....

**Author's Note:**

> This has taken longer to write than I anticipated. I had already started work on a new AU multi chapter when I was discussing with a friend on line (BramwellBern) about however sweet Jemma always seems in public, she must, on occasion, lose her temper. And I started to think that we had rarely seen Bernie really angry, even though occasionally it has been simmering just under the surface. Her self control was formidable until she acknowledged her love for Serena. Which made me sure she would have fought harder than she did, to keep their relationship alive. This one shot is the result. Angst with a reasonable dollop of smut. (Leah's involvement is spoken of but as a person she doesn't really feature)

Bernie loved making grand gestures. Not so good on the day to day minutiae of telling the people she loved how she was feeling, or what they meant to her, preferring instead to wow them in a big way that hopefully they would never forget. Like turning up unannounced at Holby City Hospital to surprise Serena. Especially after resisting the urge to respond to the emails, phone-calls and text messages she had been receiving over the last few weeks. Childish she knew, (even though she had registered that Serena was getting a little frazzled by her ‘radio silence’) because inside she was bubbling like an overgrown schoolgirl imagining Serena’s joy at seeing her again. Couldn’t forget how well it had worked out between them the last time she had turned up unannounced. The 48 hours that she should have spent in tying up the loose ends regarding her house sale, had left her nearly incapable of walking in a straight line, when she had finally torn herself away from Serena’s arms and bed to stumble into her solicitor’s office at the last possible moment.

So this time when the taxi she had picked up at the airport and stopped outside Serena’s ‘leafy detached’ she had felt a pang of disappointment to see no car on the drive. It was unusual, she thought, for her partner to be on a night shift this close to Jason’s wedding, but then she also knew only too well that the life of a surgeon is never that cut and dried, especially one as dedicated as Serena, who would always put a patient’s welfare above her own. She gave the driver fresh instructions to go on to the hospital, hoping that in a few hours they would both be returning home to pick up where they had left off a few months earlier. She was yet to discover that the 'best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley'.

Bernie sensed that there was something slightly off when she crept up behind Serena, sitting at the nurse’s station, on AAU. Serena’s initial reaction wasn’t quite what she was expecting, although she rationalised it by telling herself that it was the middle of the night and that surprises aren’t always the best when you’re tired. When they moved into the office she even managed to convince herself that having to virtually beg for a hug and kiss was simply down to the fact that Serena was exhausted, she could see it in her face. So she pushed to the back of her mind the memory of being pinned to the wall by Serena the last time she had turned up unexpectedly, a thigh firmly pressed between her legs, a mouth locked hungrily with her own. The weariness in Serena’s eyes told Bernie she was running on fumes, with a six hour shift still ahead of her, so she graciously accepted that her idea of turning up after just over 3 weeks of no communication had been a mistake. Bernie grimaced inside at the bitter tone in Serena’s voice, wondering how she could have forgotten how upsetting that sort of absence was, to Serena. It didn't take too much effort to recall how her headlong flight to Kiev had been seen by Serena as a rejection. When Jason popped his head around the door of the office a few minutes later, even he had been unimpressed by her attempt to ‘wow’ them, although he had soon relaxed as he had shown her what seemed to be a minute by minute slide show that charted his daughter’s life so far. When Serena had tried to encourage her to go home and wait for her there, citing the fact that she must be tired after the long flight, she had nobly refused to leave, feeling that her own needs should be pushed aside when she could see that Serena was struggling. 

Serena herself was in a blind panic. When she had turned around to see Bernie crouching beside her, instead of joy there was a very real moment when she thought she might be sick. On unsteady legs she had forced herself upright and ushered Bernie into the office, still unable to automatically embrace and kiss her. All that Serena could think of was that somehow Bernie would know what had happened in the on-call room less than 3 hours previously, would be able to smell her arousal at the hands of Leah Faulkner (her F1 for god’s sake) and be disgusted at her. And rightly so. But when they had finally hugged and kissed, her body and mind reacted as it always had done and she felt herself relax as the love of her life held her close. When Jason interrupted them, Serena had finally allowed her thoughts to wander. And then wished she hadn’t. She cringed inwardly as she remembered the words she’d spoken when Bernie had covered her eyes. As she gazed at the pair of them smiling, seeing the close relationship they had, she tried to imagine how happy she’d be feeling right now if Bernie had arrived even 12 hours earlier. Instead she felt a weight settle in her heart as she knew, had known from the moment she had let Dr Faulkner into the on call room, that she’d have to tell Bernie what had happened, that she was no longer deserving of her love. Her thoughts turned to Jason. She couldn’t do anything before his marriage though, he deserved to have Bernie at his wedding, and she wouldn’t put Bernie through the farce of pretending everything was okay between them. She just needed to see Leah, as quickly as possible. Needed to make her understand that she couldn’t say anything, that she would address the situation between them as soon as Bernie had left her to return to Nairobi. Already knew that their liaison (had no idea what else to call it), wouldn’t be going any further, that she was going to lose her beloved Bernie for a moments release at the hands of someone that meant virtually nothing to her. In the darkness of the on-call room, she had let her mind be convinced it had been Bernie taking care of her, holding her, making her feel desirable again. As she heard Bernie’s voice calling to her, “earth to Serena?” she blinked her way back to the present feeling crushed and lost. What a bloody mess she had made of everything.

How either of them got through the next two days was a mystery to them both. Bernie’s declaration that she was going to hand in her notice to the Trauma Centre in Nairobi had shocked Serena to the core, and Bernie was bewildered by Serena’s initial reticence to the idea, once again sparking the fear that their time together had run it’s course. But when they’d finally shared a bed after a very long day Serena had clung to her fiercely, showing how much she still wanted to take care of her, skilful hands bringing her to a loving climax. The fact that Serena wouldn’t let her reciprocate the act had momentarily upset Bernie, but she pushed the niggles to one side, they had never been hung up on whose ‘turn’ it was, she was simply grateful that they were once again in each other’s lives.

On the morning of Jason’s wedding though, those troubled thoughts kept rising to the surface as she watched Serena almost running in circles as she tried to keep her and the new F1 on AAU, apart. And when she saw the panic in her eyes after they had operated together she knew that something huge had happened, and after giving voice to her misgivings in the corridor, they had finally arrived in the office both of them trembling with fear. Bernie had listened in a very detached way as Serena had stumbled her way through a confession, partly sick to her stomach and partly angry. She was only thankful that at no time had Serena attempted to deflect any blame to her door, even though underneath it all she knew that by some of her own actions, or lack of them, had contributed to her standing there feeling so bereft. She gazed out of the office window with unseeing eyes trying to order her thoughts, trying to find the words to, perhaps, find a way through the shambles that their relationship had become. But right then, with Lexi needing life-saving surgery, and Jason’s wedding still to be got through, she had swallowed her anger and pride and simply said what was in her heart.

“I can’t deny it hurts, but do I see it as insurmountable?.....No. Not as long as we tell each other in future when we’re struggling…with _anything.”_

Serena had tentatively smiled, clutching at the straw being offered, nodding her agreement and Bernie had relaxed slightly, truly believing that with work and a little bit of good luck (which surely to god they deserved) that they could in time put all of this behind them. What she needed to do right now was to deal with saving a life in theatre, and then calm her nerves about doing the reading that Jason had handed to her that morning, so that his special day shouldn’t suffer any more of an upset than it already had.

So, four hours later here they both were, standing at the bar in Albie’s toasting the happy couple, (well couples, thanks to Dom and Lofty highjacking the proceedings after Jason and Greta), and Bernie was struggling again. Every time she tried to look Serena in the eye, she slid her gaze away, and she was beginning to think that Serena had had a change of heart. Which was pretty much confirmed when Serena started to speak. Bernie was hearing words that didn’t seem to make much sense, something about how she couldn’t imagine Bernie settling for the quiet life, pushing swings and putting out the rubbish and slippers? How she loved her and would always love her but it wouldn’t work in the long run, that Bernie would resent her for making her stay and she couldn’t bear to think of her being unhappy just because she wasn’t brave enough to leave Holby and follow her around the world. Bernie knew she was saying stuff back, things to make Serena feel okay even though she could see that she wasn’t, but it felt like an out of body experience, and that the break-up that was happening, was happening to someone else. Suddenly Albies felt stifling and she stumbled towards the door, turning back at the last moment to see Serena clutching a bouquet, looking for her, mouthing her name. She took a deep breath and did some sort of half-hearted salute in her direction, and then she was outside in the cold, bent in half, gulping in great mouthfuls of air, trying to stop her body from shaking, overcome with wave after wave of nausea. She felt alone and hurt and she wanted nothing more than to collect her stuff from Serena’s and get away from Holby as fast as she could. But as she fought to bring her breathing under control she started to feel something else….a sense of injustice and anger. Acting on the spur of the moment before she could push it away and head for the hills, she used her growing resentment to propel herself back into the chaos of the reception scanning the room for Serena. When she saw her at the head of a conga line, doing her best to smile if anyone caught her eye, it fuelled Bernie’s indignation even more and she strode over and grabbed her by the wrist. Barking an ‘_excuse me_’ at the person behind Serena she pulled her to one side ignoring Serena’s protestations and startled look.

“Go and get your bag and coat and make your apologies to Jason and whoever else you feel the need to and then come outside. I’ll be waiting.”

Serena looked as if she was going to argue and Bernie leaned in very close to whisper coldly in her ear.

“If you don’t appear in the next 5 minutes I will come back in and air your dirty laundry in public in the middle of this bar…very loudly.”

Once again Bernie turned tail and walked out of the door, and for a second time doubled over as soon as she was on the street, her stomach churning. She was seriously hoping that Serena was unnerved enough to follow her without any more ado, as she was painfully aware that as furious as she was, she wouldn’t be vindictive enough to carry out her threat. So it was with a sense of utter relief that she saw Serena’s pale face emerge from the partly opened door a mere 3 minutes later and she pushed herself away from the wall to grab her wrist and drag her back towards the hospital car park where she had left her hired car.

“Bernie, please, what’s going on? You’re making me a little nervous.”

Bernie kept her voice steady as she replied, but did soften her tone slightly. The last thing she wanted to do was have Serena believe that she would physically hurt her.

“You had your little say in the middle of a throng of our friends and colleagues about why we should part ways. Well, I want to have a chance to put my point of view listened to, but not somewhere we are bound to get interrupted and worry that you’ve not taken me seriously. This time it’s going to be by my rules, do you understand?”

Serena nodded, and allowed Bernie to help her into the car.

“Is it okay to go back to yours?” Bernie asked, “Or are you expecting anyone to be staying over tonight? If you have then I’d rather go and find a hotel room somewhere, and come back in the morning. But rest assured I'm not leaving it here.”

Serena murmured that it was fine to go back to her home, without saying that she’d purposefully not asked if Jason wanted her to babysit tonight, fearing that she would be too drunk to fulfil her role as the 'go-to babysitter', even before she had made the decision to send Bernie packing. The journey was spent in silence, Serena only occasionally risking a glance in Bernie’s direction, noting the clenched jaw and the compressed lips that indicated she was not thinking happy thoughts. Part of her wondered why Bernie was doing this, she had convinced herself that while she didn’t expect her to happy about splitting up, they had at least acted in a mature way, doing the right thing. And now she worried it might become very acrimonious, and the last thing she wanted to remember when she reflected on their love, was an a devastated and tearful Bernie, the air full of harsh words. When they arrived at her house she moved sluggishly towards the front door, her heart heavier than she would have thought possible, dreading what the next few hours might bring. Shrugging off coats and slipping out of their shoes they moved into the lounge and Serena sat down stiffly, leaving Bernie pacing, but still silent.

“What now?” Serena whispered.

When Bernie turned to look at her Serena saw a flash of coldness in her eyes that unnerved her, but as quickly as it was there it vanished, and Bernie tried to take a deep calming breath. She pressed a curled index finger against her mouth as she tried to choose her words carefully.

“I’m going to try and keep my voice steady, and I need you to to say nothing unless I ask you to. God knows you understand more than most how I struggle with expressing myself sometimes. So if I avoid looking at you it’s simply because I _have _to be sure you are listening to me, and if I see you getting upset then I’ll lose my train of thought..”

Serena murmured, “alright” and then clasped her hands in her lap, feeling every inch the cowed schoolgirl sitting in the headmistress’s study for being caught smoking. A moment later Bernie launched into her attack.

“Firstly, how dare you presume to know what I want to happen. I get it, Serena, I get that you cheated, and with an F1 for god’s sake. Hardly professional behaviour from one who, once upon a time, couldn’t even hold my hand from the car park to the hospital, and who used to berate junior doctors for kissing in storerooms. Yet somehow managed to sweep all those high handed morals under the carpet when you wanted a bit of ‘relief’ in the on-call room.”

Serena felt her face going red and risked a glance up her mouth opening as if about to offer an explanation, but Bernie glared at her, daring her to interrupt, and she dropped her eyes again instead. Bernie continued before she lost her momentum.

“I’ve already told you that it hurt to know that had happened, but I didn’t say how much it twisted in my gut that someone else had touched you, kissed you, when that was all I had been dreaming about doing for weeks. But the reason it wounds me so much is because I know I’m not blameless in all of this. Would it really have ruined anything to tell you I was planning to be here for the wedding, to have put your mind at rest? No, it wouldn’t. I was just thinking of the wonderful welcome you gave me the last time I surprised you, conveniently forgetting how close we had come even then, to splitting up.”

She stopped pacing and grabbed a chair from the dining table to sit down opposite Serena, finding that she was gradually running out of steam and wanting to conserve her energy so she could finish getting her point across.

“Instead I was remembering the fabulous, mind-blowing sex we had over the 48 hours before I returned to Nairobi, and in my head I saw it happening all over again, omitting to register that we still hadn’t talked about what eternity really meant, to both of us. And I should have realised how wrong things were, a lot, lot sooner than I did. I think I understand now why you seemed happy enough to make love to me, but why you wouldn’t let me reciprocate, saying how stressed and tired you had been recently and that it was enough for you right now, to just be in the same bed. What I want to really know Serena, is whether, if I hadn’t guessed, _when_ would you have told me about it, or even _if _you would have told me?”

Serena’s breathing hitched, as she knew, this time, that Bernie wanted an answer. Her hand instinctively went to her neck, rubbing across her sternum as it always did when she felt anxious.

“Of course I would, I just…well, everything was so chaotic, people in and out of the house, AAU was really busy, the only time it seemed was when we were in bed and…I was scared. Scared you’d run and then, because it was my fault, I would have let Jason down as well. I thought that if I told you after the wedding and you hated me and went straight back, at least it wouldn’t have affected anyone else. But I know that it’s….. I, I have no excuse.”

Bernie had been watching Serena closely, and when it seemed she had run out of steam, she covered her face with her hands and sighed.

“I meant it, what I said in the office, when I said that I believed we could get past it, I actually understand that you were lonely..I get lonely too.”

“And yet you managed _not_ to jump into bed with the nearest available person, just to scratch an itch!”

Serena’s voice was bitter, feeling humiliated at how selfish she had been and she heard Bernie sigh again.

“No, I didn’t. Perhaps I’m simply more used to the whole long distance thing…but that’s not the point. I suppose I want to know if it was on a whim, or whether it meant something, or indeed whether there had been any others that had taken your fancy before her.”

Bernie’s lip quivered slightly and as she fought hard to keep her emotions under control her next question came out harsher than she intended.

“Am I simply not enough any more? Were you looking for a way out, to break up with me?”

Serena’s head jerked up sharply, a look of panic in her eyes.”

“No Bernie, never! That was the furthest thought from my mind when… oh, the fact is I wasn’t thinking at all, obviously. I’m not trying to make any excuses, but I’d never had another..woman, apart from Fleur, show any interest in me that way. And she was so, forward and sure of herself, always seeming to know what buttons to press (Bernie huffed) to make me feel off balance and yes... desirable. I’ve always understood how to handle advances from men, but this was new for me.”

Serena ran out of steam.

“So, was it everything you’d hoped it would be? Was it worth it?”

The hurt in Bernie’s voice was clear, and Serena felt herself shrivel inside, hating herself even more. She was startled when Bernie virtually shouted at her to answer.

“Come on Serena, if we’re going to get past this I want to know what exactly happened. Did she physically force you, which I find hard to believe, or did you just think, I want this?”

“I told you..I wasn’t thinking.” Suddenly Serena was shouting too. “My body craved someone else’s hands on me other my own and she was there, offering it to me on a plate.”

Her voice quietened but she managed to continue, she owed it to Bernie.

“I was lying on the bed in the on-call room when she knocked on the door, supposedly to tell me that a patient had been moved up to ITU. Then she lunged forward and kissed me, then apologised saying she was sorry but she couldn’t resist.”

She paused and from somewhere found the strength to look Bernie in the eye, as they both remembered that evening, sitting on the floor of their operating theatre after they had saved Fletch’s life. When both of their worlds had changed forever when Bernie had kissed her ‘because she wanted to.’

Serena’s voice became a whisper.

“I didn’t kiss her back but I didn’t push her away either. Before I knew what I was doing I opened the door wider and stepped back, to all intense and purposes inviting her in. I didn’t look at her, I hardly acknowledged her presence and when she tried to pull me into an embrace I turned my head away so she couldn’t kiss me again. I…I lay down on the bed on my side and she did too, wrapping her arm round my waist, trying to turn me to face her. I think I told her to stay where she was because subconsciously perhaps I thought if I didn’t see her, then I could pretend it was you, your arms holding me, your fingers…”

Serena could feel the tears sliding down her face which was burning with shame but she didn’t stop.

“Afterwards I think I muttered ‘thank you’ and then she was gone. I must have fallen into a sort of restless sleep very quickly and when I roused a couple of hours later I was appalled at myself. Not just because of what I’d done to us…_you_, but because of how I’d treated her…I’d used her and hadn’t given any thought to how she might be feeling. So when I returned to the ward and caught her eye across from the work station I had smiled apologetically and mouthed the word 'sorry'. Then when you crept up behind me and covered my eyes with your hands I forced myself to keep my voice and words light, to let her know I wasn’t angry and didn’t blame her…and you know the rest.”

Bernie had slid from her seat and was now sitting on the floor at Serena’s feet. She took one of Serena’s hands between her own and pressed her lips to it for a moment before reaching up with her hand, using her thumb to wipe away some of the tears from her cheek.

“So you didn’t offer her anything? In return?”

Serena shook her head vehemently and Bernie let go of a breath she hadn’t even realised she was holding.

“So is that why you haven’t allowed me to touch you properly since my return? It reminded you of what happened.”

Serena looked down at Bernie sorrowfully.

“I didn’t deserve it. I…don’t deserve _you_. However much I love you..and I do, honestly love you, more than I think I’ve ever loved anyone, I’m just not worthy of your love. I wanted it to be alright but ultimately I felt I had to give you the chance to find someone better without you feeling guilty. Hence the stupid speech in Albie’s….I knew you wouldn’t make a scene somewhere so public, it’s not your style. I’m just sorry that I didn’t even get that right.”

“Oh Serena, sometimes I wonder how we’ve managed this for as long as we have, considering how rarely we actually _talk_ about what either of us really want. We engage perfectly with our hearts and bodies but we’ve both been through so much in our lives we’ve got used to not over-burdening others, more especially each other, with whatever crap is going on in our lives.”

She moved off the floor to sit next to Serena on the sofa. Taking hold of her hand again she stroked the back of it gently with her thumb.

“I meant what I said about giving up the job in Nairobi, I’ve already done that and there’s nothing I would like more than to formally accept the post offered to me in the Trauma centre here in the ED. But I will only do that if you think we can make this work…if you think that it’s truly what you want. Never doubt that I can forgive you, the bigger question is whether you can forgive yourself?”

Serena rested her head against Bernie’s shoulder and sighed.

“I can’t ask you to put your life on hold while I try to make sense of it all. I’ve let you down too many times in the past to let you do that.”

Bernie pushed up from the sofa and started pacing again. When she stopped she stood with her hands on her hips and Serena could hear the anger in her voice.

“For god’s sake Serena, _you _aren’t asking me to _do _anything, apart from possibly disappear from the face of the earth so that you can wallow in your own self-pity without worrying that you’re upsetting me. How can I get it through your head that I **want **to be wherever you are. Yes, I loved working in Nairobi, knowing I was making a difference, but the whole long distance thing wasn’t working for me either. I’ve spent too much of my life pretending I’m okay when I’m really not. I don’t want to grow old thinking of what I’ve missed, what we lost, rather than what we have right here. If I’m honest, I’m sure that I could eventually find someone that I could live with, maybe even love, but I’m certain it would never be what I feel for you. They would always be my second choice, someone I’ve settled for because I don’t want to feel empty inside.”

She pulled Serena to her feet and into her arms.

“Tell me you don’t feel the same, persuade me that your heart doesn’t speed up when you see me and that desire doesn’t course through your body when we kiss and that your legs don’t feel like they are about to give way when my hands stroke between them.”

Bernie kissed her then, pouring everything she could into it. All her love and despair at the thought of losing her; and then she felt Serena’s hands encircle her back, one hand sliding up to tangle through her hair, keeping their mouths locked together. What seemed like eons later Bernie could not stifle a sob of relief as she broke away and they stood only inches apart, their eyes shining and their breathing ragged.

“You do want to make this, us..work then?” she asked.

Serena groaned.

“Oh..more than anything, if you’re sure you..” Bernie pressed her finger to Serena’s lips to stop her listing all the reasons why they shouldn’t try, once more going round in circles.

“After tonight we are going to draw a veil over all of this and start again. There’ll be times when we might not even catch sight of each for days on end, and others when it’ll feel like we can’t turn around without bumping into one another. But I promise you that I will be better at including you in my life, that I will make sure you know every day that I love you, either in person or by phone or text. I won’t leave you wondering if you still have a place in my heart.”

Serena couldn’t stop herself moving in to press a several small kisses against Bernie’s soft lips.

“And I promise to tell you if the black dog of depression starts to appear. I won’t try to go it alone and pretend I’m okay when I’m not. I trust that you will be there, ready to catch me, and that I’m the one you really want to be with.”

They nuzzled into one another, swaying slightly from side to side. Suddenly Serena let out a small snort of laughter and Bernie took a step back so she could look in her face, her eyebrows raised in surprise. Serena had the grace to look sheepish.

“I’m sorry, it’s just what we said to one another then, sounded rather like the most cringeworthy wedding vows ever.”

Bernie laugh barked out at those words and she pulled Serena tightly into her again.

“There are worse I’m sure, at the very least I hope they were honest,” she murmured, resting her chin against Serena’s temple. Seizing the moment she stuttered over her next few words. “Have you ever…thought that perhaps you might…want to…you know..want to get married…to me, if..?”

Serena dropped her head to Bernie’s shoulder and huffed.

“I can’t deny that when I saw Jason and Greta in front of the vicar that I half wished it was you and me there, but…quite aside from everything else, I think, overall my experience of marriage was a little worse than yours, and that has given me a somewhat jaded view of it. But I’m not completely averse to the idea, if I can get my head around the fact that you’re giving me…what is it, a third chance at happiness? Um..what about you?”

Bernie’s voice was gruff when she answered Serena’s question.

“As long as we’re together, I don’t _need_ anything more, but I can’t promise that I won’t ask you that question again. I would like the world to know just how much I love you, and if that takes an official ceremony, then that’s what I would want. I spent too much of my life living in the shadows to not rejoice in finding you.”

They were now sitting again, arms wrapped around one another. There were a few minutes of silence before Serena cleared her throat.

“Do you have anywhere to stay tonight? Because I could make up the spare bed if you want. I mean, I know you said we need to start again and I agree. We need to put some space between us while we work things out, but I don’t like to think of you having to pack and go and find a hotel somewhere, but I completely understand if that’s what you’d prefer.”

Bernie tipped her head to the side so that she could look Serena in the face.

“I think you misheard. I said ‘after tonight’ we need to start again. Before we do the whole being friends and going on dates to learn a little more about what we _both_ want, I have to show you what you’ll be missing if you ever think I’m not worth 100% of your love. Leah might have managed to scratch an itch, but I know I’m the only one that can make you forget there was ever an itch there to start with.”

Bernie stood up and pulled a startled Serena to her feet.

“Go upstairs and get ready for bed while I lock up and send a quick message to a few people to tell them we’re here, that we’re fine and that unless it’s a matter of life or death we do not want to be disturbed until at least 10.00am tomorrow morning.”

With a smile on her face she headed towards the kitchen, leaving Serena standing stock still in the lounge, trying to take in the intent behind Bernie’s words. At the door of the lounge Bernie turned and raised her eyes to the heavens when she saw that Serena hadn’t even moved.

“Campbell!” she bellowed in her best army voice. “Move! Now!”

As Serena stumbled forwards she added in a low sultry voice, “And don’t bother putting on any night clothes. Much as I love undressing you I don’t want to waste any more time. In bed, naked, in less than ten minutes. Chop, chop!”

Serena didn’t often find herself with nothing to say, but this moment was one of those rare occasions. She had, as Bernie had correctly surmised, kept her at arms length when they were sharing a bed, because after her own betrayal she didn’t feel she had any right to receive an act of love. Initially it had been easier than she thought it would be, the first night they had both been tired and Bernie was already softly snoring when she came out of the en-suite. Subsequent nights had needed a little more creative thought to stop Bernie trying to reciprocate after Serena had made love to her, but she’d managed, even though her body had been screaming out for Bernie’s gentle loving touch. It was a sort of self inflicted punishment that she was convinced she deserved for her weakness. She shivered as she slipped under the duvet, the trembling she was feeling in her limbs having nothing to do with feeling cold. The thing she was most dreading was that instead of the tender stroke of her partner’s fingers, her brain would only recall the frantic fumbling of Dr Faulkner and the shame that had lain barely beneath the surface of her mind ever since.

She actually gasped as the door to the bedroom opened and Bernie stood framed by the light from the landing for a moment, before she reached back to switch it off. Serena felt the darkness that she was plunged into as if it were palpable and her breathing became rapid and shallow as she heard Bernie moving around the bed to open the curtains, allowing the warm orange glow of a nearby street lamp to permeate the room. Bernie was once again visible, now only clad in her underwear, gazing down at Serena.

“You appear to be hiding something Serena, with the cover pulled up under your chin. Are you sure you have nothing on under there?”

Serena’s breathing hitched as she tried to answer, shaking her head. “Nothing.”

“Show me.”

The thrill that ran through Serena’s body at those words made her feel as excited and out of control as the first time Bernie had taken her to bed almost 3 years ago. She took a deep breath and slowly sat up, pushing the duvet to one side to show Bernie she had done exactly as requested, feeling herself blush as Bernie gazed at her before lowering herself to sit on the side of the bed. She leaned in towards Serena and gently pushed her hand through her short hair, kissing her forehead.

“Remember, I need to do this for you as much as you need to receive it. So, please do as I say unless you feel I’m asking too much. Okay?”

Serena found swallowing suddenly difficult.

“Yes,” she whispered.

Bernie smiled and nodded as she stood up and pushed the duvet completely off the bed.

“Lie down on your front.”

Serena turned over and buried her head into the pillow, her body already responding to the commanding tone in Bernie’s voice, a warmth spreading out from her core. She felt the mattress sag as Bernie leaned in towards her and then shivered as she felt her warm breath on her neck.

“I know I don’t always use words to tell you how much you affect me, so I’ll try to explain tonight.”

Bernie wanted Serena to feel the intimacy of their relationship so made her voice soft and caressing. She didn’t physically touch her but kept her mouth close to her skin so that every time she spoke Serena would feel her, her words would embrace her. She positioned herself at the top of Serena’s spine and then she moved slowly down her body as she started to speak.

“I am mesmerised by the smoothness of your skin…I think sliding my hands down your naked back is one of my favourite things. Holding you as close as I can, skin to skin, so that I feel as if we merge into one, is what I dream about when we’re apart.”

She paused at the curve of her buttocks and Serena couldn’t stop herself trying to push upwards as she felt Bernie’s hair trail teasingly against her back. Bernie pulled away slightly until she saw Serena settle down again onto the mattress. She smiled as she resumed the task in hand.

“Your backside is glorious, so womanly. Can you imagine me digging my fingers into each cheek, pulling them slightly apart so that you suddenly feel the cool air against the wetness between your legs?”

Bernie positioned herself even closer and blew gently along the crack that separated Serena’s bum, carrying straight down until she reached dip that curved round to meet the top of her thighs, watching with delight as she saw Serena’s hands grasp at the sheet she was lying on as if to steady herself, and heard the soft moan that she tried to stifle with the pillow.

“And your legs are strong, like you. I love it when you lock them around my body, pulling me in so that you are suddenly open to me, pushing me towards your centre so that I can feel your arousal.”

Bernie was now hovering just over the back of her knees and she startled Serena by gently pressing her lips to each one for a split second as she quickly undid and slid off her bra, before easing her whole body on top of her, bringing her arms up to cover Serena’s, her head nestling into Serena’s neck.

In spite of the weight of Bernie on top of her Serena sensed a lightness within her that she hadn’t experienced for months. The warmth emanating from their bodies lying together, the softness of Bernie’s breasts pressing either side of her spine and the growing synchronicity of their breathing was releasing a lot of the tension she had been holding inside since Bernie’s return. When Bernie moved in order to place a kiss to the nape of her neck and she heard her whisper, “turn over,” as she pushed herself up and off in one fluid motion, Serena could not hold back a sigh of disappointment.

She didn’t move quickly enough so Bernie growled her instruction again.

“Now, Campbell, if you don’t mind..”

Serena forced her sluggish limbs to obey, the sensation of Bernie’s body on top of hers was slow to clear from her mind. Her heart rate now increasing, she flipped over, resisting the urge to pull Bernie back into a close embrace, and feeling incredibly exposed she was also fighting the need to use her hands to conceal her nakedness. She watched Bernie’s face from shuttered lids, as her eyes raked down her body, the intensity of which made Serena believe that she was being physically touched. And then Bernie’s head dropped towards her shoulders as she continued her teasing commentary.

“I still remember the first time I saw you changing into your scrubs in the locker room,” she murmured. “You had your back to me, and I was transfixed by the slope of your shoulders, noticed the small scars from your mother’s rings. I had to fight the urge to rush over and try to brush my fingers over them, realising in that moment that what I felt for you went way beyond a platonic friendship.”

She moved her mouth across to the hollow at the base of Serena’s neck where she lingered a moment, observing the surge of blood through the pulse point making it look as though it was quivering with excitement. Bernie smiled to herself enjoying the effect she was having on her partner. She moved downwards and purposely allowed her hair to once again sweep over Serena’s skin, seeing goosebumps form in its wake as she reached the gentle slope of her breasts. She blew gently in an ever decreasing circle around first her left breast and then her right, delighting in observing how the areola puckered at the cool air, forcing Serena’s nipples to jut upwards, seemingly screaming to be touched. Serena felt as if she was on fire, if she closed her eyes she could see white hot images of Bernie, bending over her, seared onto her retina. The absence of any proper contact was causing her almost physical and mental pain, but she didn’t question it, she saw it as part of her penance. But Bernie’s words were like a balm, soothing all the hurt she had tried to hide, even though they were making her suffer some of the most erotic sensations she had ever had. She was starting to think that if Bernie did touch her that she would orgasm almost instantly, but was as equally worried to consider that the touch might never come. Her breathing grew a little more ragged and Bernie gave another small smile as she watched her chest rise and fall.

“You know how much I love your breasts, how they are the first things I want to stroke and fondle when I have you naked. They are magnificent. I get a thrill from hearing you gasp when I roll your nipples between my finger and thumb as I gently pull upwards….and I know that occasionally, you like me to be a little rough.”

With a very quick flick to each nub with her tongue Bernie moved swiftly downwards feeling smug as she heard Serena give a small whimper. Part of her wanted to move things along quickly, to give her the release that she was craving, but Bernie was enjoying herself too much. And Serena probably didn’t appreciate that this was healing for her too. Speaking the words out loud was cathartic and without any wish to dominate in the true sense of the word, it did make her feel as if she was taking back a little of the control she needed.

“Can you remember my darling, how my hands grip your waist to steady you when you are astride me, how they skim down over your generous hips before they slide between your legs to find you ready and waiting?”

Serena could not stop her hips bucking slightly at that memory and she groaned.

“Oh..god..Bernie..”

Bernie gave a little chuckle.

“I recall how worried you were about what I would think of your rounded belly and your untamed bush. You tried to hide it from me, looking suddenly modest with your hand trying to cover your mons.” She paused briefly. “I’ve often wondered what you would have done if I’d asked you to trim it…..but I didn’t want that. I wanted Serena Campbell just as she was, and when you parted your legs to grant me access, the sight of your arousal, glistening on those dark hairs filled me with such joy..to know that I had caused that.”

Bernie huffed and pulled back slightly, suddenly overcome, and she felt Serena’s hand move from the mattress to cover her own. She took a steadying breath before speaking again.

“Focus on me Serena. And then open your legs for me….show me you still love me.”

Serena forced herself to look at Bernie, wanting to hide nothing from her, hoping that she would be able to see the love and desire she had for her. Many had seen the efficient, sometimes blunt army medic who was a wonderful surgeon, but very few were as privileged as Serena, to see her vulnerability, the part she had hidden so well for so long, which ached to be loved. It was the knowledge that she had hurt this woman, who had willingly exposed this unguarded side of her personality, that had left her so racked with guilt. When their eyes met she saw nothing but love reflected back and the enchanting smile that spread across Bernie’s face made Serena want to cry, that she was being forgiven. She opened her mouth to speak but Bernie held her lips closed with a touch made Serena’s mouth burn and ache.

“I know,” whispered Bernie, “we have so much to say to each other, and we will. But tonight let’s just _be_ together as if it was the first time. Remind ourselves of the bliss and joy we both felt.”

Serena nodded, and as she allowed her legs to relax and part, Bernie stood briefly to peel off her already damp knickers, noting with satisfaction the shimmering pearls of moisture she could see on the inside of Serena’s thighs. And then, as she had done before, Bernie stretched out her whole body to cover Serena’s, both of them moaning as skin touched skin and their lips met in a soft kiss. Bernie intertwined her fingers with Serena’s and raised their arms so they rested on the pillow either side of her head without their mouths breaking contact. As the kiss deepened and lips opened for tongues to dip and taste and explore, Bernie settled between Serena’s parted legs and suddenly pushed upwards with her hips making her groan loudly, forcing them to break their kiss. Bernie continued to make small thrusts watching Serena’s expressions change with each forward motion. Serena was panting now, trying to untangle her fingers from Bernie’s, desperate to have her hands around the curve of Bernie’s backside, urging her to move faster.

“What are you up to?” Bernie asked with a smile in her voice, but still holding Serena’s fingers tightly entwined with her own. “I thought you understood that tonight I’m in charge?”

Serena bit her lip as her lower body writhed beneath Bernie’s hips in an attempt to bring her into closer contact with her clit.

“I…want…I need..more.”

Bernie felt Serena push her legs wider apart, bringing her feet up to plant them flat on the bed either side of Bernie’s body, using them to push her own body upwards in an attempt to meet every lunge threat Bernie made.

“Nooo,” whimpered Serena, as Bernie pulled away. “For god’s sake come back!”

Bernie let go of Serena’s hands and sat back, kneeling between Serena’s outstretched legs. She looked wanton and wild, her eyes wide open as she reached out to try and grab Bernie’s arms to pull her back down. Bernie enjoyed the moment, seeing how much Serena needed her. She bent her head to look into her face to reassure her, and placed her hands on Serena’s thighs to anchor her to the mattress.

“Very soon, I promise you,” she said, and Serena flopped backwards and closed her eyes again in frustration.

Bernie moved herself to further down the bed and resting her cheek against Serena’s left thigh, she moved her hands upwards to grasp her hips. She inhaled deeply, marvelling how the scent of sexual arousal was overpowering when it was mixed with the fragrant smells of someone you loved. The spread of Serena’s legs meant that her swollen outer lips were already open and she could see her clitoris poking out between them. The whole area was glistening and Bernie moved her face towards it until she was close enough to drag the tip of her tongue across her folds, tasting as she went. Serena bucked wildly and a breathless “fuck” escaped her mouth. Bernie knew she couldn’t hold her head at the right angle for too long without it causing serious problems for her back, so she satisfied herself with one long sweep of her tongue from the entrance of her sex up to Serena’s clit, flicking it briefly as she moved back up the bed. Before Serena could react to that swipe or bemoan the loss of her lover’s mouth between her legs, in one swift movement Bernie brought her right hand down and pushed two fingers straight into Serena’s well lubricated vagina.

No articulate sound issued from Serena, just a loud deep throaty groan that caused Bernie’s own clit to throb in unity, and she moved her mouth close to Serena’s ear to make sure she could hear everything that she intended to do to her.

“In a moment I’m going to kiss you again, pushing my tongue right into your mouth so you can taste yourself. I might add another finger to the two already inside you (and she wiggled them to remind Serena how deep they were, causing even more moans) and then I shall start to fuck you as fast and hard as I can until you can’t hold back the inevitable.”

She sucked on her earlobe briefly and then moved so she was looking down at Serena, withdrawing her fingers until they were resting at the very edge of her opening.

“Look at me Serena, tell me when you’re ready for me.”

Serena’s eyes opened, dark and blazing with an intensity that made Bernie’s stomach flip.

“Now,” she growled, “for pity’s sake, **now**!”

Bernie brought her lips crashing down onto Serena’s, forcing her tongue as far in as she could whilst simultaneously thrusting three fingers straight up inside her, as high and hard as she could. The squeal from Serena was swallowed by Bernie’s mouth, not wanting to break the hungry and passionate kiss. All of Serena’s senses were focused on her sex as Bernie’s hand slammed in and out of her with a ferocity that bordered on violent. The roughness of it was freeing for both of them, allowing Bernie to let Serena know she was staking a claim to her, showing her they belonged together, and letting Serena feel that this was what she deserved, to surrender to her lover….to give up to her what she had permitted another to just take. She knew that if she was to ask Bernie to stop she would have, in a heartbeat. But she didn’t, taking an almost perverse delight in the soreness that she was beginning to feel around her entrance where Bernie was stretching her the most. She could feel everything building to a crescendo as Bernie pressed against her g-spot every time she dragged her fingers back in readiness for the next thrust. She dug her own fingers into Bernie’s shoulders to try and anchor herself to something, tearing her mouth away to gulp in the air she badly needed and then, with wail after wail she was coming and coming, her hips still trying to chase Bernie’s fingers as they left her open, making her ache with emptiness. Waves of pleasure were still rippling across her belly as she felt Bernie slide back down towards her sex and a tingling started to build as she felt the gentle touch of her tongue. Bernie had a twinge of guilt when she saw how red she was, and used her mouth to give slow gentle kisses as she licked carefully around her clit. The sensation was soothing yet arousing as lovingly, Bernie coaxed a second more prolonged orgasm from Serena, watching and feeling how her vagina fluttered and clenched as she climaxed, this time with soft sighs and small mewling sounds.

With one final taste of her, Bernie moved up the bed to lie beside Serena, delighted to see the rosy flush that covered her upper body, from her breasts to her cheeks, as she quietly tried to bring her breathing under control. She brought her arm up to push the short damp hair away from Serena’s forehead, smiling as Serena turned her head to gaze lovingly at her.

“Better?” asked Bernie softly.

Serena waved her hand around in the air trying to convey just how much better she felt and that when she got her breath back she would tell her, or show her, or both. Or at least that’s what Bernie assumed she was trying to communicate given the adoring looks she was receiving.

Every time Serena thought she was ready to say something an aftershock would run through her making her legs clench for a moment and robbing her of the ability to speak. In the end she simply turned to Bernie and held open her arms to gather her into an embrace. Bernie moved in to press herself as closely as she could, and was amazed to feel the ongoing spasms that were making Serena’s belly quiver as she murmured words of love to her.

“Oh darling, you really, really needed that didn’t you? It’s okay, it’s fine you don’t have to say or do anything, I understand.”

She could feel the wetness of Serena’s cheek against her shoulder, even though there was no other outward sign that she was crying, and her heart ached, only just beginning to realise how alone she must have felt, even when surrounded by friends and family. The fact that _she_ was able to compartmentalise her feelings depending on the task in front of her had blinded her to the reality that not everyone could. Especially not Serena, whose emotions ruled every facet of her life however hard she tried to suppress them. She felt her own tears fall, wetting the pillow, as a true understanding of the hurt she had caused by not communicating properly, washed over her. They lay quietly in each other’s arms for some time as they both tried to sort out the jumble of thoughts whirling around their heads. Finally Bernie pushed herself up to rest against the headboard, pulling Serena up too so that she could still hold her close. Serena was muttering something under her breath, over and over, and Bernie bent her head lower to try and catch what she was saying. Much of it seemed to be gibberish with only a random word breaking through, the most repeated of which was ‘_sorry’ _closely followed by ‘_love’ _and the occasional ‘_stupid idiot’_. Bernie placed her finger and thumb on Serena’s chin, pushing it up so that she could look at her properly.

“You know, if you don’t stop beating yourself up over everything, I may have to start pleasuring you again just to shut you up. For someone who normally has so much to say before, during and after sex, I’ve never seen you as you were just after your second orgasm. I may have to try to coax a third or even fourth out of you if you don’t stop reproaching yourself.” She quirked an eyebrow. “Or is that exactly what you’re hoping for?” Bernie moved one of her hands down to encompass Serena’s breast, making sure that her still sensitive nipple was sliding against the palm of her hand, making her whimper.

“For fuck’s sake Bernie, my clit is still throbbing and my sex feels sore enough to make sitting down a challenge over the next 24 hours. If you attempt to drag any more out of me I may need hospitalising, or at least a defibrillator standing ready.”

Bernie grinned with delight, as although her voice was still quiet she could hear the spirited Serena of old in her words, ready to give as good as she got. She placed a hot, wet sloppy kiss on her lips and felt Serena respond instantly. Then Bernie became aware that one of Serena’s hands was moving around her hips, to stroke and pull at Bernie’s bum. When they broke apart there was a glint in Serena’s eye.

“I think I’d like to return the favour,” she murmured, but Bernie reached around to pull her hand away and shook her head.

“And I think you are going to have to woo me, before you can get in my pants again,” she said primly.

Serena raised an eyebrow.

“You seem to forget you’re not wearing any,” she said tartly, trying to push her hand between her legs, but Bernie wriggled out of the way, causing a worried frown to appear on Serena’s forehead. Bernie grabbed both of Serena’s hands and turned them palm up in front of her, kissing them one after the other before placing them around her waist. She leant her head against Serena’s and took a deep breath.

“I hope I’ve showed you tonight that I can get past what’s happened, and that I love you with all my heart, and I know, I _know_ you love me. But we both have to learn from this, and one very important one is that in spite of our undoubted sexual chemistry we must get the hang of how to…._be_ with each other, when sex isn’t part of the equation.”

Serena pulled a face.

“But I _like _sex,” she grumbled.

Bernie’s laugh reverberated around the bedroom.

“I know you do darling. And I’ve never enjoyed sex in my whole life as much as I do with you. But…_but, _we can’t use it to avoid the awkward questions that arise, or to settle arguments, or pretend that nothing about the other one doesn’t irritate the hell out of us. So..like I said earlier, I think we need to take a few small steps back and spend time together simply getting an understanding of who we are _now,_ not then. The time spent apart, the blows that life have dealt us have changed us.”

Serena pressed her lips to the corner of Bernie’s mouth.

“My big macho army medic…when did you get so wise?”

Bernie nuzzled into Serena’s neck and had to steel herself not to start nibbling along her collarbone.

“Well, while you were here with friends and family, I found myself with a lot more time to reflect on how we have both been affected by the paths we have taken. We’re different to when we first met, when we first kissed, when we admitted that we loved each other.”

Serena rolled her eyes. “Hmm. I seem to recall that one of us was more ready than the other to confess to that.”

Bernie gave Serena a nudge with her elbow and pulled back down onto the bed as she reached for the duvet from the floor to cover them both. She lay on her back and held Serena’s hand tightly.

“I’m not arguing, back then I was rubbish when it came to owning up how I felt about you. But once I did it was like some floodgates opened and my stiff upper lip crumbled, and now, although I can manage to push my emotions aside when we’re hundreds of miles apart as soon as I see you I go to pieces inside.”

Serena shook her head partly in annoyance and partly in despair.

“Whereas I’m virtually the opposite. When you’re far away you’re all I can think about, it affects every aspect of my life, and then when you arrive on my bloody doorstep I try to deny all that you actually mean to me, because I know you’ll be leaving again. And recently….I’ve just started to feel so damned unattractive and undesirable. I look in a mirror and see nothing but a haggard old bitch who has never quite managed to forge the path through life that she promised herself she would. Then when I think of you, how good you always look, seemingly effortlessly, and how you’re at the top of your game, head-hunted by countless hospitals and _countries _for god’s sake! I simply can’t imagine why you’d want to be with such a sad excuse of a woman as me. Which….”

Serena’s voice faded away as shame washed over her again.

“Which maybe, is why you let your head be turned by someone, I hope, you would never have given the time of day to, 12 months ago?”

Serena gave a slight nod and stared at the ceiling.

“My love, we shouldn’t be in competition over who is managing their life better at any one given moment of time. God knows I’ve messed up too often to want to remember. However you forgave _me _when I risked ruining our friendship and the Trauma unit over my own son’s stupidity, I’ll never know. What was it you said?”

Serena cleared her throat. “That’s what love is I suppose….defending the indefensible.” 

Serena turned to look at Bernie.

“I’ve never forgotten those words, because that’s the moment I realised that I was beginning to have feelings for you that went past the boundaries of a normal friendship. As I spoke I was referring to the love between a parent and child, but as I gazed into your soft brown eyes I understood I’d forgive you practically anything, as long as we could be friends.”

Bernie pushed herself up onto her left arm to hover over Serena.

“As I would you. And I hope that I’ve shown you I really mean that?”

Serena reached up and curled her hand behind Bernie’s head to pull her gently down so she could place a soft, delicate kiss to her lips.

“I don’t deserve you..”

“Oh Ms Campbell, I think I’m getting exactly what I deserve..if I’m lucky. Which is why tomorrow I shall confirm my resignation from the trauma unit in Nairobi, and then my acceptance of my new role at Holby. I shall have to go back to Kenya at the end of this week to speak with the trust there about working my notice, and organise what (if anything) I want to ship home.”

She saw Serena’s face fall at the mention of her going away again so Bernie brushed her lips with her own, bumping their noses together..

“So tomorrow I start looking for somewhere to rent close to the hospital,” Serena started to protest , but Bernie shook her head. 

“No, I won’t be moving in here, well, not straight away. While I’m gone you can spend your spare time making my new digs as warm and welcoming as only you know how to, and then when I’m back properly, we can start really getting to know each other again. I want to go on dates and listen to how life is treating you. I want to know that I can rant and rave to you about NHS bureaucracy and take you on marches about bloody Brexit. I want to be part of your life, your whole life.” Was 

They kissed again after this little speech, for quite a while. When they stopped to catch their breath, Serena gave Bernie her best flirty look.

“Please tell me that while all this is going on, we can still have sex occasionally?”

Bernie laughed long and loudly, until Serena wondered if she should be offended. When she finally calmed down she looked at Serena with bright shiny eyes.

“Just try and and bloody stop me Serena Campbell, and you’ll really have a fight on your hands.”


End file.
